Sibling rivalry: 8 ways to help kids get along - abc27 WHTM

By Amanda Genge
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No matter how much they love each other or how many years apart they are, it's normal for brothers and sisters to argue and disagree. Interacting with siblings offers a chance for kids to learn how to get along with others. Bumps along the way -- sibling rivalry -- are to be expected.

First, it's important to know why kids fight in the first place -- which isn't always as obvious as it seems.

Where does conflict start?

A number of different things can cause brothers and sisters to fight:

• Age differences. Children develop skills based on their age. For instance, toddlers are learning to protect their possessions. Your toddler may react if another child picks up one of her toys -- even if she herself isn't using it.
  
  
• Special needs. If you have a child with a disability or illness, your other children may feel left out or even ignored at times. They may also act out because they are worried about their brother or sister, but don't know how to express themselves.
  
  
• Unique personalities. Siblings can have very different personalities, which sometimes clash. Some kids are anxious and easily thrown off kilter. Others are more "go-with-the-flow" and adapt to change more easily.
  
  
• Jealousy or resentment. Kids may feel that parents play favorites when a brother or sister gets "extra" privileges or attention.
  
  
• Competition. One child might get better grades while another does better in sports. Fights can happen when kids try to "outdo" each other and vie for more praise from parents.

How parents can help

It's important to see your role as a mediator, not a judge. Here are some tips for parenting with patience, love and fairness.

1) Listen to their complaints. Don't dismiss a child's feelings by saying things like, "You shouldn't be mad -- he couldn't help it." Instead, acknowledge her anger: "You sound so upset -- you wish he'd asked before he took your toy."

2) Then help them listen to each other. Encourage children to work things out first. Intervene if things escalate or tempers flare. Separate them for a "cooling off" period if needed. Ask them for suggestions about how they can resolve the conflict, such as having a sign-up sheet for prized toys.

3) Keep your own temper in check. Kids model what they see. If you have outbursts when they do, they'll think it's acceptable.

4) Give each child some space. Be sure that your kids don't have to share everything with each other. Some possessions should be theirs only. Make sure you schedule one-on-one time with each child.

5) Treat children individually -- not equally. If they are used to having everything the same, even small differences will be seen as preferential treatment. Addressing their needs and wants individually and fairly makes it harder for kids to "keep score."

6) Make a household code of conduct. No hitting, no yelling, no calling each other names. Let your kids help make the rules -- and help decide what happens when they're broken.

7) Acknowledge good behavior. Compliment kids when they treat each other nicely. As extra incentive, set up a chart for each child and dole out stickers for being civil, with small prizes awarded for earning a certain amount.

8) Have fun as a family. Play a game, go to a park or even wash the car. Spending time together helps foster positive bonds.

When is it something more than sibling rivalry?

Some conflicts between siblings can become serious. Ask your pediatrician to refer you to a child therapist if:

• One of your children poses a physical danger to any other member of the family
• Your other children are affecting the self-esteem or psychological health of a sibling
• One of your children is acting out and appears to have depression or anxiety
• The rivalry is affecting your marriage or partnership

View the original Sibling rivalry: 8 ways to help kids get along article on myOptumHealth.com

SOURCES:

• Circle of Parents. Sibling rivalry. Accessed: 06/23/2010
• Ohio State University Extension. Understanding sibling rivalry. Accessed: 06/23/2010
• Iowa State University Extension. Understanding children: sibling rivalry. Accessed: 06/23/2010
• Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA). Sibling squabbles: helping your kids get along with each other. Accessed: 06/23/2010
• Child Welfare Information Gateway. Sibling rivalry. Accessed: 06/23/2010