ABC27 WHTM The Bachelor Plays Ball

Welcome to Reality Rewind's first installment where we start our discussion with season 16 of The Bachelor starring Ben Flajnik, a cast off from last season's The Bachelorette. 

Or, as I call it, The Courtney Show!

Let me preface this by explaining that I am a Courtney fan.  Not because I feel she's misunderstood or being treated unfairly by the other women or even that I like her.  It's because her villainy has reached cartoonish levels.  Her monotone voice and expressionless face as she tears into the other women, the way she toys with them like a demented cat playing with the blind mice before she goes in for the kill, the way she starts talking like a 12 year old whenever she's, like, alone, like, with Ben, like. 

I think we all know Courtney isn't going to win.  I am convinced she's only on the show because the producers see her for what she really is: A sound bite machine in a bikini. 

I wholeheartedly believe she will be on the next season of Bachelor Pad.  I'm hoping Bentley will be on it as well because we all know they'll team up to be an evil duo of Disney villain proportions.  I see her as Ursula and him as Jafar, teaming up to toy with and destroy all the other members of the pad. 

I have to stop before I get too ahead of myself.  Let's start at the beginning of Monday night's show. 

Ben and the remaining 11 bachelorettes are at The W Resort and Spa in Vieques, Puerto Rico.  Chris Harrison gathers the women together and informs them that everyone will get to go on a date this week, which includes two one-on-one dates and a group date for 9 of the women.

The first date is a one-on-one with Nicki, the 26 year old dental hygienist from Texas.  Her date card is written in Spanish and she has no idea what it says.  Luckily, Emily is there to come to the rescue and translate for her that Ben is hoping they find love in Old San Juan.

Ben and Nicki take a helicopter ride to the tourist town of Old San Juan.  Ben shows off his skills by ordering shaved ice in Spanish while Nicki's voiceover tells us all "It's like God is smiling down on us.  This date is going so great so far, what could possibly go wrong?" 

Cut to a shot of water running down steps as the skies open up with a torrential downpour.

This leads to Ben declaring how attractive it is that Nicki is so easy going and flexible.  While Nicki tells us "Nothing can rain on this parade!"

Groan.

They decide to go shopping for authentic Puerto Rican clothing with Ben ending up dressed head to toe in white linen with matching white shoes and a white Panama Jack hat and Nicki in a colorful silk handkerchief dress.   Then, the happy couple just happens upon a wedding at a local church.  They watch as a bridesmaid carefully arranges the bride's dress and train before entering the church.  This leads to discussions of finding love and getting married some day.  Watching the bride, Nicki realizes she does want to get married again, some day, and Ben is bringing out those feelings in her.

The evening wraps up with wine and conversation about Nicki's previous marriage as they cuddle together in a big wicker chair on the beach.  Ben gives her the rose because he sees such attractive qualities in her, like honesty and openness.  They spend the rest of the night making out.

You'll learn that "openness" is the word of the week.

Meanwhile, back at the resort, the women get the group date card.  Lindzi, Jennifer, Courtney, Kacie B., Emily, Rachel, Casey S., Jamie, and Blakeley are all going on a date that involves a diamond.  Which means Elyse is going on the one-on-one date.

The next day, the nine women are loaded onto a school bus and taken to Roberto Clemente Stadium.

You see, the diamond Ben referred to in the date card was a baseball diamond, not jewelry.  Some of the women were not happy about that.

It seems Ben is a big baseball fan and he wants to see how the women take to that.  Three of the coaches for the Carolina Gigantes, the pro baseball team of Carolina, Puerto Rico, are there to help the women run drills and practice their batting. 

Just as the women start to have fun, Chris Harrison appears in the stands with a bullhorn to call them in.  This is when he tells the ladies that there will be a romantic beach party with Ben that evening.  The catch?  Not all the women will be going.  They will be split into two teams to play a game of baseball with the winning team going to the party and the losers sent back to the resort to drink and wallow in self pity.

Because there is an uneven number of women, Ben chooses Lindzi to be the MVP, meaning she bats for both teams and, regardless of the outcome, will be attending the romantic beach party.

Chris makes Courtney and Blakeley team captains.

Courtney chooses Kacie B., Casey S., and Jamie to make up the red team, while Blakeley chooses Emily, Jennifer, and Rachel to join her on the blue team.

The quote of the evening, once again, goes to Courtney who observed: "Blakeley is like a champion out there.  Who knew that strippers could play baseball?"

She's not a stripper, Courtney, she's a VIP Cocktail Waitress.  Although, to be honest, I don't know what that means, it might be code for a stripper.

Ben is the pitcher with the red team scoring 5 runs in the first inning and the blue team scoring 3.  The game was only supposed to last for two innings, but the second inning ended tied at six apiece.  By the end of the fifth inning, it was red team 10 and blue team 9.  The inning ended dramatically with the red team winning after Jennifer struck out.

Blakeley, feeling the rest of her team didn't want to win as much as she did, led the blue team on a round of self-pitying crying in the dugout as Ben and the red team stood in the field, spraying champagne.

"I hope you guys throw up," Blakeley cries as a helicopter appears to whisk the winners away to their romantic beach party.

We next see Courtney in her confessional saying she hopes none of the girls are crying because her team won fair and square.  "There's no crying in baseball, come on, rub some dirt into it."

Cut to…Jennifer in the dugout crying.  She starts channeling Gollum from "Lord of the Rings" as she repeats how precious time is with Ben.  "The only way I can continue to be here and for him to be interested in me is to get that precious, precious time." 

The red team waves from the copter as the blue team sadly climbs onto the school bus for the long ride back to the resort.

At the romantic beach party, Ben walked off with each woman individually while Courtney's voiceover critiqued each one.

Lindzi has an "annoying personality".

Jamie is a "hot mess".

Casey "hasn't had much interaction with Ben".

Kacie B. is Courtney's only real competition, she has rubbed Courtney the wrong way from the beginning.

Ben ends up giving the group date rose to Kacie B. because she gets him to open up and she listens to him.

This doesn't sit well with Courtney and, much to Kacie B.'s chagrin, she steals Ben away to walk along the water and chat. 

Ben looked really uncomfortable as Courtney hugged and kissed him and told him how she wants to drink and go skinny dipping.  She talks like a teenager, dropping the word "like" into each sentence about four times. 

Jump to the next morning when Elyse's date card arrives and tells her they are going somewhere private to find love.

The private place they go is a Mega-Yacht that pulls close enough to the shore for all the other women to see and get jealous over.  Ben explains in his voiceover that his feelings changed for Ashley on a boat date and he's hoping that will happen today with Elyse because "being on the water can do that".

They lounge on the deck, sipping champagne and talking.  Elyse tells him she's accomplished everything she has wanted to and gave up her job and going to her best friend's wedding to be on The Bachelor.

No pressure, Ben.

They then strip down to their bathing suits and spend the next couple of hours diving off the boat. 

I can't help but wonder if they explored the Mega-Yacht.  If it were me, I would be all over that boat poking in corners and looking in drawers.

Ben and Elyse ended their date with a dinner on the beach, where Elyse tells Ben she is sick of being single and you can see that was the exact moment Ben lost interest.  She tells him she just wants him to be honest…cut to…Ben telling the camera he knows what he has to do.

What Ben does next is just cruel.

He picks up the rose and Elyse's face lights up. 

"I think my relationships with some of these other women are so far past what I think we could probably get to if we continued this."

Then he puts the rose back down and tells her it isn't going to work.

Just to change things up a bit, Elyse is put on a boat instead of the backseat of a limo for her crying exit.  The producers then fill about five minutes by slowly dissolving between shots of Elyse crying on the boat and Ben walking slowly along the water, carrying the rose.

Back at the resort, the women, mainly Blakeley and Nicki, freak out when a man enters the room and takes Elyse's suitcase, signaling the end of her time on the show.

Courtney is more diplomatic about it.  "Maybe she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out."  She then tells the other women she was so shocked by Elyse's departure it "blew her panties off".

But when alone with the camera, Courtney admits in her creepy monotone voice, "I see Elyse's bag leaving and I guess it's bittersweet. Really sweet for me, really bitter for her."

As Ben returns to his room, his jacket slung over his shoulder and a forlorn look on his face, he hears a whistle and turns to find a stalker, I mean, Courtney sitting on the steps wearing a robe and holding a bottle of wine and two glasses.

Ben invites her in as Courtney's creepy voiceover says "I hope I'm a sight for sore eyes, because after the date with Elyse his eyes are probably pretty sore."

She offers to draw him a bath or to give him a massage.  Ben turns her down and they go to sit on the couch to talk and sip wine.  Before long, Courtney convinces them to go to the beach because, really, how often are you in Puerto Rico with a guy you really like.

Now if you saw any promos for the show or the teases that run before the commercial breaks of The Bachelor , you know what's coming next.  They strip down to their Birthday suits and go swimming in the ocean.

"I'm scared that when the girls find out, they're going to hate me forever and ever and ever."  You're not scared, Courtney, and they already do hate you.

It's cocktail party time!

Ben admits to feeling pretty crappy about what happened the night before, he shared such an intimate evening with Courtney while there were other women he wanted to explore relationships with.

As Ben takes each woman aside for the all-important one-on-one time, Courtney continues toying with her prey.  She starts a conversation about skinny dipping and how much she enjoys being naked, which leads to her voiceover, "He doesn't look at the other girls the way he looks at me…little do they know we have a secret."

I'm starting to think she's a bit of a psychopath.

Blakeley finally opens up to Ben about….well; I'm not quite sure what.  Apparently, she writes down something she likes about Ben every day and it made her realize she was worthy.  Ben hugged her and kissed her and thanked her for her openness.  I still don't fully understand what she was talking about.

Ben and Emily have their alone time which starts out strong with Emily apologizing for complaining about Courtney to him the week before.  She tells him she only wants to think about him and not Courtney.  Then she calls Courtney a weirdo and they're back to square one.

Ben tells Emily, essentially, to mind her own business.  Emily goes into the house crying because she just knows Ben hates her and she's going home.

When we return from the commercial break, the women are already lined up for the rose ceremony, thus robbing us of seeing Chris Harrison enter the cocktail party and tapping his glass with a knife to call them all to lineup.

Chris announces that Ben told him this has been "the most pivotal week since he became the Bachelor".  I'm a little disappointed we didn't get to see their chat and Chris playing therapist to Ben's oh so difficult decisions.

Ben stands before the women and makes the required "This is so difficult" speech before picking up the first rose.

Nicki and Kacie B. already have their roses, which mean there are 7 roses for 8 women.  Lindzi, Jamie, Rachel, Courtney, Casey S., Blakeley, and Emily are all given roses, which means Jennifer is going home.

Ben walks Jennifer out to the waiting Hummer (don't they have limos on Puerto Rico?) and she wishes him luck and hopes he finds his happiness. 

As she leaves, they cut between the shots of her crying in the backseat and her talking to the camera, crying so hard she gives herself the hiccups, which makes the whole situation even sadder.

Back at the resort, Ben pleads for more openness (that word again) as this becomes more difficult for him. But, for now, they're all going to the most glamorous city in South America, Panama City, Panama!

***************

Some post show observations:

1. Remember when The Bachelor premiered back in 2002 and getting a kiss was such a huge deal that it usually didn't happen for six weeks or so?  Now, the women make out with the man as soon as they arrive at the villa and go skinny dipping just five weeks in.
2. Blakeley is coming across a little too needy and clingy.  I'm giving her one more week before she goes full-on meltdown and he drops her.
3. Ben seriously needs to invest in some good hair products.  There are times his hair is distractingly greasy.  Come on, Ben, you can afford a decent conditioner, look into it.
4. Elyse's earrings were so big and the wind was so strong, I spent most of their date on the Mega-Yacht waiting for her earlobes to tear.
5. Did you all know Panama City, Panama is that glamorous?   I didn't.  But then, I never really thought about it.
6. To answer one viewer's question, Ben was not wearing Capri pants with his suit.  They were on the beach and he had rolled up his cuffs. 
7. According to a weather predicting co-worker, "Courtney is a troublemaker and guys do like troublemakers."

 So what did you think, my fellow Bachelorphiles?   Does Ben really like Courtney?  Or are the producers making him keep her for the drama?  I'm thinking he'll end up with Kacie B., what do you think? 

What do you think about Emily Maynard, the sweet, southern single mother whose race car driving husband was killed in a plane crash many years before she was chosen by, and broke up with, Brad Womack, as the new Bachelorette?